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Monday, September 8, 2014

Reflection: Wolf

I've started to lose track of time. Minutes blur into hours, hours into days, days into weeks. He visits me often. I can't help but think that his visits are starting to make me lose what sense I have left. It's funny, the worst feeling is that of loneliness. Fucking loneliness.......you would think with the faceless monster around, that loneliness would least of my worries. But since I've been alone, I've had little to do but think. To reflect on the last couple of years. Everything that I've done right, a list that is admittedly short. Everything that I've done wrong, a list that is....admittedly long.

I've been left alone with my thoughts. My dark thoughts. Today though, I felt a rare moment of clarity. It came to me as I was cleaning out my book bag, so that I could check my supplies. It was busy work of course. Which is all I've been doing lately.

Make yourself useful to avoid useless thoughts.

I found a mask in my bag. One that I had all but forgotten about. Plain white in color. A black line forming a smirk as a mouth and nothing else other than the eye holes. It was not the mask I had found in the closet. No, it was a gift from a friend. Wolf had given me a mask as a going away present when I had visited for the last time. Memories flooded my mind.

"Ha! Another win for me." I grinned at the fuming man next to me. He threw his controller down and glared at me, though I could tell he wasn't actually angry at me.

"I call hacks!"

I stared blankly at him and then gestured at the super Nintendo.

"Really?"

"Whatever dude, you cheat." A small grin formed on Hart's face, one that I couldn't help but return. I was relaxed, more so than I had been for a long time. With the group's help, and the mental exercises Wolf made me do, I had broken the influence that the Objects had on me. Since then, aside from the training drills that Wolf put me through (she claimed she was taking it easy on me because of my wrist), I had merely been relaxing at the cabin. Whether that meant whooping Hart's ass at video games or Fell kicking my ass when we would get bored and spar. Wolf had even tried to teach me how to knit once I healed a bit.....didn't work out.

"Another round?"

Hart opened his mouth to respond before being cut off.

"Hero?" I looked back to see Wolf, while repressing my irritation at the nickname. I had accepted it at this point, despite the fact that I didn't think I was any hero. "Can I speak to you for a moment?" I exchanged a glance with Hart who just shrugged. I stood to my feet with a sigh and followed Wolf outside where she merely sat down and patted the ground next to her.

I raised an eyebrow, the grin on my face vanishing. I sat down next to her and stared out at the trees. No matter how long I spent there, the feeling of uneasiness never went away. It had lessened over time, but it never went away. Not like I expected it to, after all it was HIM who had made this place. We sat in silence for a few moments before she finally spoke up.

"You can't stay here much longer, Hero. We can't keep expecting Ritter to ignore your presence here." I frowned. I had been afraid that this was what she wanted to talk about. I didn't feel ready, but I knew she was right. I had overstayed my welcome here as it was.

"Today then?" I asked

I heard her audibly sigh.

"Yes… Will you be alright?"

I chuckled and put a large smile on my face. "You know me Wolf. I can't keep myself out of trouble. Murphy's law hates me that way I guess." I attempted to make light of the situation.

Wolf didn’t laugh.

"That is exactly what troubles me now, Hero." She was looking at me, but I would not meet her gaze.

I glanced at her before looking away, "Wolf I-"

"Roy." I was silenced. "You chose your path a long time ago. Despite my nudging, despite our friendship and despite that potential I see in you, you have stayed with that choice for the sake of your ideals. As much as I would love to call you ‘brother’, I respect your decision and will do no more to convince you. That being said, by choosing this path, you accept the trials that go with it. Twice now, you have allowed yourself to be manipulated- first by Sagari and most recently, by those objects. I have helped you as best I can, but there will always be someone or something there to take advantage of your ideals or your sorrow.”

I blinked. She sounded slightly desperate, it was barely there, but I could just make out a hint of it. Maybe I was imagining it. Wolf was a lot of things but desperate was never one of them. She glanced down at her hands,

"Look....I will not always be here to save you Hero.....I need to know that you can bear the trials of your path alone, that you can take care of yourself. I need you to promise me that you will not forget what you have learned from this.”


I stared at her for minutes, an uncomfortable silence settled in. Finally I sighed, 

"Fine, I promise" The way she was speaking scared me in all honesty, as if it would be the last time I would see her. She had always helped me, and the thought of her....dying made me cringe. I went to give her a one armed hug with my good arm, and to thank her for everything she had done right before a tomahawk landed right in between us. I paled as I looked at the window behind us.

"The fuck do you think you're doing Roy Boy?!" Fell was standing in the window arm still extended from her throw, I jumped to my feet and decided that explaining myself would only make things worse so I did the only thing that came to mind, I ran, hearing Wolf chuckle as Fell gave chase, a string of obscenities flowing from her mouth.

My grip on the mask tightened. Hero. It's what she called me. Once I had even asked her why that was. She told me that it was because despite the evils of the world that I had experienced, I still tried to rise above it, still tried to see the good in everyone.

Wolf's words had always stuck with me, she was part of the reason that I am who I am today. I only recently figured out just why it is she's had such an influence on me. I'm not going to say why, since at this point it doesn't even matter. As I stared down at the mask I realized that it was time I started acting like the Hero she thought I was. I finally made my decision.

Hopefully this won't get me killed but in case it does.....

Fell, I feel like I owe you an apology. You were right...about everything you said, and I lashed out at you so.....sorry.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Nostalgia sucks

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that I was not in my motel room, either that or what had already been an uncomfortable bed was even more so now. That and it crunched when I rolled over. With the sound of crunching leaves I bolted upright, which caused me to fall into a coughing fit. I brought my hand up and covered my mouth as I coughed violently. I breathed heavily as I brought my hand away from my face, grimacing when I noticed the crimson liquid that now stained my hand. That couldn't be good.

I glanced around and all I could see were trees. I blinked a few times, my eyes adjusting to the moonlit forest around me. I groaned, and yelled into the forest, "You cliche faceless bastard! Would it kill you to be a little original?!" I of course got no reply. Which now that I think back to it, was probably a good thing. But this wasn't the first time this had happened. Trying to remember how I got here was an exercise in futility. All I could remember was lying down in the motel room, hopes of getting just one night of shut eye and then waking up here.

I sighed as I stood to my feet, and dusted myself off. I had seen a forest when driving into town the other day, but that didn't mean a thing. I could be anywhere. I took out my phone and stared at the black screen. Of course it was dead. I pocketed the phone and began to walk in a random direction. All I passed was trees, no animals, or homicidal faceless business men. The quiet of the forest slowly calmed me down. I slowed down and sighed deeply.

It felt like hours before I found anything. It was a house. My eyes widened though as I stared at the house before me. It was medium sized with a porch, a small porch swing rocked slightly, despite the lack of wind in the clearing. The house was plain looking, but extremely familiar. Why wouldn't it be though? It was my house. I made my way up to it, frowning, as memories flooded my mind. Any good childhood were utterly crushed by the bad ones.

I stopped just outside the door. My hand landed on the handle and a shiver shot down my spine. Warning bells going off in my head. The feeling was of course familiar. It only when HE was around. I glanced over my shoulder to see the still empty clearing. So there was only one place where HE could be? Right? The feeling of apprehension vanished at that moment, replaced with rage. Feeling as though, liquid fire flooded my veins. I flung the door open, being greeted by the empty living room, looking just as I remembered it. Though, considerably more dusty.

So I stormed past into the hallway. The feeling of nostalgia as I looked down the moonlit hallway caused me to pause. It actually feel nauseated. I shook the feeling off and moved down the hall quickly. I stopped outside of the bedroom that had my parents. I knew where he was. I opened the door and stepped inside, the room dimly lit by the windows. He stood before me. In the center of the room, at the foot of the bed, the sheets made, the room untouched. His tentacles were absent, leading me to believe that he was not angry. His attention was on me, he stared at me. Yes, the faceless creature stared at me. His head was tilted as if curious to what my reaction would be.

My anger was no more as I stared at him. The fear had returned. I had stomped into the room, furious with him to.....what had I actually expected to do?! 

He turned his head and stared at the closet in the corner of the room.

Why had I thrown all logic out the window?!

He continued to stare at the closet.

I was smarter than this. I was supposed to be smarter than this!

My gaze moved to the closet. "You....you want me to open it?" I got no answer, of course. He just continued to stare in the direction of the closet, his arms at his sides, bent awkwardly as usual. My gaze moved slowly to the open door behind me but any hope of leaving was dashed when a tentacle slammed into it, shutting off my exit. I looked back to see the black tendril extended from his back, his head moved back in my direction. So I didn't have a choice in the matter. Staring at the blank visage that was his "face", I knew that I didn't.

With a resigned sigh I made my way across the room to the closet. I had never been in this closet before. It had always been locked, the lock had been heart shaped. I almost chuckled at the memory. One of my brothers had tried to get in the closet one day, only to be stopped by my mother. The next day my dad came home with the lock and my mother had said it represented their love. In different words of course, but it had been something cheesy. My parents had always been that way, all cheesy and they barely ever argued. Even when they did....hehe it was always about small things. I shook my head and focused on the present. It wouldn't do to get lost in my memories with faceless in the room.

My gaze turned to the door to see that the lock was gone. I opened the door and coughed as a small breeze exited the door, disturbing the dust. What was within the closet though, didn't seem to be anything special. Just a few photo albums, ones that I would come back to look at later. But the last thing to catch my attention made me pale, and my eyes widen in horror.

It was a mask. A plain white mask, black paint lining the edges of the eye holes. A smirk was painted on the mask, and on the forehead was an operator's symbol. I tried to prevent myself from panicking. What could this mean? The only conclusion I could come to was that one or both of my parents had been a proxy. But that didn't make any sense. The Slenderman had killed both.....he had killed them both. Had they not adhered to some order? Failed some mission?

I shook my head, such thoughts were useless at the moment. I grasped the mask tightly in my hands, before glancing at my parent's murderer, his faceless visage observing me, head cocked to the side. He almost seemed curious as to what I would do with this new information. It became all clear to me what he wanted me to do. What he had wanted this entire time.

He wanted me to follow in my parents footsteps. I looked down at the mask in my hands. With an increasing amount of horror, I realized that I was actually considering it. After all he had done to me, could I really serve such a monster. He had killed the love of my life, and my brothers. He had killed my parents. Even recently, he had been the indirect cause for the death of one of the only few people I could call a friend. I set the mask in my book bag carefully as not to break it. I finally turned to face him.

I stared at Slenderman for a long moment. Finally I let out a resigned sigh, "I'll think about it." Even I couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth. These words seemed to please him because at that moment he finally vanished.

I've been at the house ever since. I cleaned it up, because it needed it and I needed a distraction. I haven't seen any of Slendy since but I've felt him. I know he has been around. Waiting for an answer. I can't help but wonder if he's actually giving me a choice in the matter. If I tell him no will he simply hollow me? Or even just outright kill me?

I have a lot to think about. So I'll cut this here. Until next post, if there is one.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Fuck

This is getting ridiculous. The rate at which I've been encountering proxies is growing, and fast. Before it had been one proxy a week, two if I was just unlucky. But it's gotten to the point, where I'm encountering four, sometimes five every week. God damn masks...in the crowds everyday. But what doesn't make any sense is that they don't seem to draw any attention from the people around them. It's like they're not even there. Always watching me, even when I don't see any, I know that they're watching me from somewhere, somehow. 

Sleep has been impossible as of late because of this. I haven't slept in nearly a week. The constant paranoia combined with the sleep deprivation is driving me insane. When the proxy aren't around, he is. The Faceless fucker....in the corner of my vision are just in broad daylight. I know that I'm the only one that sees him, because no one else even glances his way. But the most confusing part of all of this? Is the fact that he hasn't made a move. He hasn't attempted to harm me, nor have the proxy. Why? What does he want?

I've been on the move so much lately that I haven't found time to post, or check the other blogs. Until today, that is. So I was shocked to find that Wolf is dead. No, shock is not the right word. Somehow I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. Sometimes I think that proxies have a higher death rate than us runners. All I felt was sorrow and then anger...and then simply emptiness. At having one of my closest friends ripped away from me once again by the faceless bastard. Someone who helped me so much since all of this has started. 

I'll miss Wolf, but life goes on, there is not time for me to mourn.

I'll post again as soon as I can.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

and yet I smile

"Isn't it nice?" 

I walked along the stone stairs, and I could't stop remembering.

"Isn't what nice?"

I promised that I was done crying. Then again, I suck at keeping promises.

"Just this. Sometimes I wish that we could stay like this forever."

I lowered my head as I continued, even though no one was there to see the tears streak down my face. It didn't feel like that long ago. Though, I guess it hadn't been.

"Why can't we then? I plan to stay by your side for the rest of my life."

Between the two of us she had always been more realistic. What can I say? I'm a romantic. Always have been more hopeful than necessary. Hell, a small part of me refuses to believe I'm going to die. A very small part.

"Things change Roy, you know that. I'll be gone one day and you'll have to accept that. All of us will die sooner or later."

This had been after she had met Sagari. She must have known. Izzy had to have known.

"Yeah? Then I choose later."

I've always been so naive. We don't choose when we die. When death comes, we have to accept it. Each of us have a path, each of us our own story. As with any path or story, there will always be an end. As I stood there, my time was ticking away. As I type this, it ticks away. A little morbid? Yes. True? Yes.

Valentine's day brings loneliness. Honestly Valentine's day hasn't sucked this much for a long time. I was in Toronto visiting Izzy's grave until last night. It may have not been the best idea, it left me depressed. I miss my family, my friends, I miss Izzy, hell I even miss Quinn.

I have no idea where I'm going, what I'm going to do, and how long I'll last from this point. At least I could leave Alice with good people. I wouldn't drag her down with me. Skye is still a child, but he's a good kid. I know he'll take good care of her.

I'm only twenty years old, is it possible to be too old for this shit?

All I know is that I'm tired, so tired........


Sunday, January 26, 2014

Just keep walking

I sat in my hotel. It was times like these that I despised. With nothing to do, my mind was free to wander, to darker places. Alice was still at Tori's, offering to let her stay for dinner, the same offer was extended to me but I turned it down. I wouldn't risk it, no matter how tempting it had been. I glared over at the corner of the room. Faceless, as he always was as of late, was just standing there "staring" at me, his head tilted. His tentacles were absent, much to my relief. 

I had almost grown used to his presence, much to my horror. Him being there doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Hell, sometimes I even amuse myself by trying to hold a conversation with him. 

"Your suit is nice, where'd you get it?"

"......."

"Yeah, I agree, finding big and tall stores are hard these days."

"......."

"You're no fun."

It was the same everyday, he would show up and "stare" at me for anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes and then leave for an hour or two. I honestly had no clue why, either. He didn't seem angry, he didn't seem to have any purpose in what he did, other than maybe to intimidate me. But didn't he have his proxies for that? Why show up himself? 

Alice for some reason, doesn't seem to notice him, no one else either. Had Skye not saw him the other day I would have thought I was going mad. Not that it matters. I have no delusions at this point. I realize my time is coming to an end. So where is the fear, then? Where is the anger? The thoughts of just how "unfair" this all was. Why me? Where was all of that? No, I only felt empty.

At the end of my path, the realization strikes me that I've done nothing. Nothing whatsoever. At the end of my path, all I have left is regret. Regret for more reason than one.